TMFI

I have a million little projects to do for work, and I'm sitting in a coffee shop trying to mentally prepare myself to do things that I don't want to do that will directly benefit people I do not respect. Yay. As I sit here, I casually check Facebook. "Casually check" should probably read "Instinctively check", as my brain is programmed to send a message to my hand instructing it to mouseclick on Facebook immediately when I open my computer. YOU WIN, ZUCKERBERG.

Anyway. As I scrolled down ingesting the usual litany of mundane, unfathomably boring status updates from my Facebook friends, I was presented with a status that illustrates the damage Facebook has done to us. Or rather, the damage we're doing to Facebook: The Too Much Fucking Information (TMFI) status.

The standard TMFI contains two key elements: information that is far too personal for anyone outside of one's inner circle of family and close friends, and a request for sympathy/encouragement/validation/attention. Mostly just attention. This particular TMFI was from a woman I will likely never see again, and if I do, it'll be under purely coincidental circumstances and I'll make every conceivable effort to ignore her. So basically, she's a standard Facebook friend. Her status is an explicit account of an ongoing medical emergency--the kind of "emergency" that allows ample time and energy to make frequent status updates, of course. After reading her status, I know the nature of her situation, the exact procedure she's about to undergo, the hospital she's being transferred from, the hospital she's being transferred TO, and the worst case scenario if her procedure is not successful.

The second half of the status, of course, contains the other key element: the outright request for attention. This is usually in the form of a "please send prayers" or something equally as irrational to anyone with a functioning brain stem.

I don't understand the need to share deeply personal issues on Facebook. Here's an idea, next time you post a status, ask yourself this question: Is this information protected by HIPAA? If the answer is "yes", don't fucking post it. Nobody cares. I don't need a play-by-play of your cervical cancer scare. Too much fucking information.

thoughts on a sunday.

A random collection of my thoughts over the last hour of laundry processing.

• Is it possible to scroll down the programs on your cable guide and NOT choose something called "Sex Bunker" on MSNBC? No, no it is not possible. My fascination with shows about horrifying ordeals is becoming an issue. I've traced it back to my unhealthy level of exposure to the show Law & Order SVU from age 13 to twenty minutes ago. I've become desensitized through countless all-day marathons of SVU, which have undoubtedly programmed my brain to be entertained exclusively by shows that involve something sadistic with varying levels of courtroom drama. Now I can't be entertained by anything else. I'm fucking weird.
  



• I recently purchased Pop-Ice popsicles--you know, the kind that are in thin plastic tubes and come in various flavors. I've been eating them by the dozen. SOMEONE STOP ME.




• Laundry is the worst.




• Child beauty pageants should be illegal, effective immediately. I can't be the only one who is profoundly disturbed by this concept, right? They dress three to seven year old girls up to resemble adult women--makeup, hair, skimpy outfits--and train them to flaunt their "talent" on a stage for a room full of stage moms and pederasts, so that their mothers can reap the benefits of them being crowned "princesses." I can't think of a more perverted perfectly legal event than a child pageant. I'm going to pitch the following idea to networks: Toddlers & Tiaras--Where Are They Now? The show will premiere in 2026 and will catch up with these girls living their lives as adults. It'll have to be on HBO, as they will all likely be involved in drugs or exotic dancing or porn or a depressing combination of all three.




• I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh heartily while watching Family Guy.

Anyway.

Okay, seriously.

Here's the deal. I've tried the blogging thing like a hundred times and every time I start it, I lose interest immediately and leave my shitty, unfinished blog in internet purgatory for the rest of eternity. That's so fucking rude. So now I'm starting this one, which was designed by my above-average looking friend Ashley. She has a blog, too, but I can't link it because I'm virtually incapable of doing anything internetty (it's a word now). She's on the right. She's my only follower. Click on her and read her blog--she'll teach you how to manage your sheckels.

On occasion, I go on rants. That's what I'll do with this blog. I don't have time to go on one now, but I do have some topics in mind for the near future. I've been really annoyed lately with the following concepts:

Child beauty pageants
Ignorant Facebook statuses
Weddings

So, my next rant will cover one or all of those topics.

Well, alright.